The following is not a blog, but an essay that i created a year after my beloved sister died in a car accident.  It was written in 1991, so things have changed after i wrote this for a literature class at North Eastern University.  I did get and A for the paper SMILE.  Today April 29th is my sister's birthday, so to honor her today ~ i wanted to post this in memory of my best friend, sister and a person who was so full of life.  She has left me, but left me with hope and faith.

The evening of December 1, 1990, changed my life forever.  I approached the emergency ward at Massachusetts General Hospital.  A feeling of terror coursed throughout my body.  I entered the building and walked rapidly straight down the narrowing hallway.  I happened to come upon a brightly lit area where a nurse who was stationed behind a huge admittance desk.  The first question that I asked was "where is my sister?"  I assumed she knew who I was talking about, but she gave me a baffled look.  I then said, "Her name is Kathleen Gordon, well we call her Kathy".  The nurse glanced down at a piece of paper, looked back up at me with sympathetic eyes and asked, "Is she a blonde female in her early 20's?"  I then jumped at the answer saying "Yes".  An overwhelming attack of nausea took hold of my body.  Feeling the need to hold onto something, like how you would feel on a cruise ship during a wicked storm.  Just then our eyes locked, which felt like forever.   My face flushed and I felt like I was having an out of body experience.  It seemed like an eternity before she directed me to a tiny, dreary, private waiting room.  Before I entered, two uniformed men with orange jumpsuits with their heads slumped in shame, brushed past me in the hallway.  Later on I found out that they were the helicopter medics that tried to revive my sister.   As I sat down, my family began to arrive; dad, mom and my brother Howard.   We just sat quietly, not a word to each other; but our heads were spinning out of control with worry and questions.

At that moment, my mind was a jumble of memories of my sister Kathy.   I thought of all the special times we shared:  maturing to adult hood together, attending fun parties, socializing at our favorite sports bar, The Varsity Club and just chatting about sisterly things.  Only sisters can relate to this special bond.  It seemed like yesterday that we cruised to the Bahamas.    We danced on the hot deck to a steel drum band with reggae tunes, surrounded by cheering vacationers.   We wore our bikinis with towels draped around out waste dancing like it's no tomorrow with one of those fruity drinks with tiny umbrellas on it.  The sun above us was built into a gorgeous royal blue sky - without a cloud invading it.  The smell of Caribbean filled the ocean air.

I was brought out of my dreamy state by the doctor's arrival.  He was expressionless.   After scanning the clipboard he glanced back up at us and said, "We have a female that arrived from a terrible car accident, she was flown in by the medical helicopter without a pulse.  We tried to get her back, but unfortunately she died about an hour ago.  We would like one of you to identify the body". 

No feelings, just another body.  I was in my own world at that point.  The walls were caving in on me.  Only nine hours ago Kathy and I were giggling together and planning our day.  She decided to start early on her Christmas shopping with her friends and I was going on a job interview.   A thought occurred to me, she asked me to go and if I did; it could have been me in that room waiting to be identified.  At this point I wish it was I who died and not her so I could not feel this terrible loss.  Worst yet is seeing how this upset my parents. It's not supposed to be this way; children are not supposed to pass before their mother and father.  It just is not how it goes.   Was that the last time I was going to see her smiling face?  Did Kathy already take her last breath? Is it true or a bad dream?

I then bowed my head and said a prayer in silence for my sister.  I stood with shaky legs; a cold flash flew over me as I witnessed an unforgettable scene, my father and brother walked back into the room, their heads down and shoulders trembling.  Their eyes filled with tears in such sorrow, it broke my heart in half.  A shrill came out of my voice, making a fist at the sky - "God, why did you take her! She was my only sister!  Kathy was my best friend!"  At that moment, I slumped to my knees weeping with hopelessness.  A sharp frozen sword pierced my heart that day; a permanent scar.  I will never again be able to hug, hold or kiss her.

Kathy has left me, but she gave me the most precious gift.  I was receiving a second chance to fulfill my life:  setting new goals, learning form past mistakes, and to cherish the beautiful memories I shared with Kathy.  I spent most of my life thinking of only of me, spending money foolishly and taking my family and life for granted.  I now realize that a person can change their life for the better.  Today, I am living each day to the fullest and trying to be a happier me.  I cannot take back time, but only go forth with new goals and a new self image. 

Furthermore, I hope the audience of this essay will stop, think and learn from my tragic experience.  Anyone can be in this unwanted situation.  It happens every day to a loved one.    My suggestion is when you have a special sister, brother, father, mother, friend or even a pet; communicate freely with them, tell them you forgive them, love them, and cherish the relationship you share with them.   Right now you may say to yourself, Oh this will never happen to me.  You are wrong.  Death is a part of life.  Enjoy every second, minute, hour, day, month and year; each breath you take is one of the greatest treasures in life.  I am thankful for Kathy's gift of life.